If I Die Before I Wake
by Lautari
Summary: Crew members watch over the Captain while he lies in a coma.
1. Chapter 1

It was almost melodic. The steady beeping of the heart monitor and quiet hum of the ventilator joined together in steady rhythm that screamed, "I'm alive!" with each beat. After nine hours, Bones had finally treated every burn, set every break, and stitched every gash inside and out. He had refused to let any other medical officer treat the Captain. That was supposed to count for something, wasn't it? Most sedatives would've worn off hours ago, but Jim didn't stir, hadn't moved since being beamed back aboard the _Enterprise_ in Sulu's arms. _"Thrown against the bulkhead,"_ the helmsman had gasped before collapsing on the pad.

Now, he waited. There was really no place else to go. If he wasn't on duty in Medical he was…with Jim. So he had pulled up a chair beside his friend's bed and took his place, as always, at Jim's side. "I'm saving the rest of this for when you wake up," Bones stated, holding up a bottle of bourbon. "So you better wake up, cause I'm gonna be pissed as hell if this goes to waste. You brought this back for me on your last trip home, expensive stuff."

The doctor threw back what was left in his glass and closed his eyes to savor the burn in his throat. "I didn't sign up for this you know," he continued conversationally leaning back in his chair. "I can't keep piecing you back together every time you jump into trouble. I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker. Pretty soon there won't enough of you to piece back together."

He swallowed the lump growing in his throat and leaned forward and wrapped a hand around Jim's wrist. "And then there won't be anything left of me," he whispered. "Damn it, Jim. I don't give a crap about this ship or its mission; I just want you to wake up. You're their captain….but you're my best friend."


	2. Chapter 2

She ran. She hadn't been on duty at the time, hadn't been on the bridge when Sulu's voice came over the comm saying the Captain was down. Spock, in a surprising act of thoughtfulness, had called her quarters knowing she would want to know. And then she ran, barefoot and without thinking.

By the time Uhura reached medical bay it was buzzing with disorder and panic. She saw Sulu first, sitting on a bed away from the action. He was covered in grime and blood and bent over in pain, but he waved her off when she grasped his arm. _ "It's not my blood," he had said. "Transport crashed…explosion in the cargo bay…"_

She heard all this in a daze and had tried to push her way through the medical staff to the bed her Captain was being worked on before gentle hands pulled her away. _"Let them work, Nyota," Spock had whispered softly._

Later, she crept in when all the lights where out except for the glow from McCoy's office. The doctor was asleep with half a bottle of bourbon at his desk and she gave his form a wary glance before climbing up beside Jim in his hospital bed, being careful of IVs and bandages.

"Jim," she murmured, stroking his face. "Jim, you have to wake up."

Jim gave no sign he heard, lost somewhere deep in a coma.

"You have to wake up for me," Uhura continued pleading. She leaned over him and her usually well kept hair fell around them like a veil. "It would have been you, you know," she whispered in his ear. "If I hadn't loved him first, it would have been you." She kissed him softly, tasting. She fancied she heard his heart monitor skip, but the beep continued monotonously, echoing in the vast space that seemed to be between them though their bodies were pressed together. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to look after you."

She didn't notice the shadow standing in the doorway that slowly melted into the darkness before his presence could be known.


	3. Chapter 3

The Captain's chair sat empty. First one shift and now another it sat empty, the five hundred pound elephant in the room. Spock had all rights to it given the circumstances, but he couldn't quite bring himself to assume it. He found he worked better standing beside it, quietly giving orders in its owner's absence.

He couldn't quite understand the hesitance, but it was the same reluctance that had kept him from the medical wing so far. But after lingering in the corridor for an hour, he was finally here. It was moments like this when all logic went out the window and he was left with the hard lessons of humanity. Conflicting emotions had chipped away at his impenetrable façade, and logic had no place when loss was a variable with no control.

"I have heard that one in a coma can sometimes hear when they are spoken to and that can hasten their recovery," Spock said after clearing his throat, as if that explained his presence there. _Honestly, I just wanted to see you._

In a surprising act of tenderness, he removed his arm from behind his back and pulled the coverlet a bit higher on the Captain's chest, knowing humans were colder natured. "I'm sure you have had plenty of visits tonight." His brow furrowed. "She feels guilty. She thinks if she had been there she could have done something." _We all have played "what if" tonight, my friend_.

"It's because she loves you, you know." _But she chose me!_ A small smirk appeared. "If you were a lesser man I would be insulted." _I'll still fight you for her. _He leaned forward and whispered a challenge he knew Jim wouldn't be able to resist, "But I still plan on being the better man." _Wake up and prove me wrong. _"When you're ready Captain, your crew is waiting and your chair is empty."


	4. Chapter 4

'_Now I lay me down to sleep,_

_I pray the Lord my soul to keep. _

_If I die before I wake, _

_I pray the Lord my soul to take…'_

His mother's voice reciting that long ago bedtime prayer reached him from a deep abyss in his subconscious and enveloped him in the same way her goodnight kiss had. Or…was it his mother? It was so familiar and tasted of vanilla…

Bourbon? The smell warmed him like an old friend…voices whispered in his ear, faint, just around the corner. Touches hit his nerve endings like lightning….and still he could not make his way back to join the shadows that moved through the light on the other side of his eyelids. Or were they real? Had they ever been anything more than shadows that skirted on the edges of his dreams?

Maybe that's what they had been…dreams. And this floating, heavy, never ending space was his reality. Was that not his life? Treading through the murky darkness alone, with the shadows of another life dancing just out of reach, the smells and warmth of it just out of sight…

But still….he could not help but feel he had intimate knowledge of these smells and touches. They were his. And he was theirs. He knew each and every one. And that held him like an anchor until he found his way back to them….


	5. Author's Note

For those interested, this story is continued in a small one-shot called "I Pray The Lord My Soul To Take." I just posted it. Merry Christmas!


End file.
